The development of better coping skills in dealing with the vicissitudes of daily living is the psychological underpinning of Step 10. When thrown off emotional balance by people or new events, the process of taking a quick inventory, admitting to errors in the now and forgiving, or at least tolerating, the imperfections of others is a sign of a stable person who has developed a new way of dealing with reality.

Practice of Step 10 releases one from the need to be right, a truly liberating way of operating in the world.

The quality of interpersonal relationships is a mark of a person’s stability and ability to live comfortably with one’s fellows. Here we again come across the word "willingness," implying a deeper insight into the self as carrying responsibility for repetitive, unsatisfying personal relationships. It is only by letting go of resentment of the real or imagined harms done by others and focusing on what can be changed in oneself that the personality becomes less emotionally vulnerable, less reactive, and more stable.

By Dorothy Hayden, LCSW
www.sextreatment.com

Humility is a word much discussed in 12-Step meetings. The posture of humility allows a person to quell ceaseless self-preoccupation and opens her up to having a sense of awe in the moment-to-moment awareness of life, nature, God, and fellow human beings. Humility also suggests a turning point in personality development from the illusion of self-sufficiency to having an inter-dependent view of relating to others.

Step 7 is the beginning of understanding that character building and remaining close to essential values is more important than chasing the high.

"We never thought of making honesty, tolerance and true love of man and God the daily basis of living. We sought to gain a vision of humility as the avenue to true freedom of the human spirit." (From the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (Alcoholics Anonymous Worldwide))

Having a humble approach, along with the admission of powerlessness, leads to a softening of childish demands for immediate gratification.

The words "sex addict" and "secrecy" are almost synonymous. The addict carries the weight of the knowledge of what occurs in his "secret" world. If he shared the "secret" with another person, he would, in his mind, be condemned to hell. He believes he’d be despised. A diminishing sense of self-esteem contributes to a sense of isolation and alienation.

With Step 5, the secret is out. The ability to know and accept oneself in the presence of complete disclosure to another recovering addict is very freeing. One can let down one’s defensive armor and have more of a sense of ease with oneself and the world.

The recovering person, in revealing the content of their inventory to another, defuses feelings of guilt and shame. Isolation, fear, and mistrust of others begin to crumble as the interpersonal immersion in a caring community begins.

The realization and acceptance of some power (it need not be religious or even spiritual) greater than one’s egoistic pursuits puts in motion the abandonment of a grandiose posture. One no longer expects the world to conform to one’s own needs and wants. Rather, one learns to live "life on life’s terms."

There are varying focus areas to consider when choosing a 12-Step program for sexual addiction, such as whether the problem is sexual compulsivity or an addiction to love. Other factors that can influence a person’s decision to attend 12-Step group are specific requirements, like behaviors the members will permit or not permit. Some do not allow masturbation or sexual activity outside of marriage, for example, as members strive toward sexual sobriety.

The 12-Step groups that work toward helping people overcome sexual addiction were founded on similar philosophies as the global chapter for people with alcohol addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, with one core difference: unlike Alcoholics Anonymous, fellowships for sexual addiction do not focus on total abstinence from the sex, but instead a healthy plan of sexual sobriety that brings recovery from the problem behaviors.

One core support group for sexually addictive behaviors is Sex Addicts Anonymous. Members are required only to have “a desire to stop addictive sexual behavior.” Sex Addicts Anonymous members strive toward sexual sobriety, which they explain means abstaining from a specific problematic sexual action. There is no formal definition of abstinence; rather Sex Addicts Anonymous chapters state that it is up to each individual to identify which sexually addictive action or behavior they choose to abstain from.

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (S.C.A.) groups focus on abstaining from what they call “compulsive sex,” and members embark on a plan for sexual recovery based on a definition of sexual sobriety that is personalized to their own patterns of destructive behavior. Members of S.C.A. try to stop sexual behaviors that destroy their time and deplete their energy, or jeopardize their emotional and physical health.

Another option for the sex addict might be Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Sobriety, according to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, means striving to stop the habitual “acting out” with sexual actions or behaviors. Referred to as “bottom-line behaviors,” members of the fellowship are permitted to declare the exact sexual behaviors that have created the addiction cycle they are living in and to identify those actions for which they are no longer in control.

Perhaps the most “traditional” of the sex addiction groups is Sexaholics Anonymous, who ask their members to have “a desire to stop lusting” and to strive toward sexual sobriety. This includes self-stimulation (masturbation), and those who are unmarried are not permitted to have sex – behaviors the group deems as addictive and self-destructive. According to Sexaholics Anonymous, reaching sobriety from sexual addiction must also include the person’s thought patterns toward sex, not just their behaviors.

While experts differ on views concerning wither addiction to sex is a disorder, or should be called a disease, the emergence of new 12-Step based programs and treatment facilities across the nation is calling attention to these destructive behaviors, and continues to open the door to recovery for thousands of sex addicts.
 

The wife was asked if she would be able to stay with her husband throughout his recovery from his sex addiction. This was a tough question as she only recently learned that he actually had such an addiction. In fact, she knew that he had an addiction to pornography, but she thought it had been dealt with years before.

On more than one occasion her husband had revealed his addiction to her, promising that he could keep it under control. Each time the problem seemed to go away, but in truth her husband was only very good at hiding it. At the point of her interview, the problem had existed for the 30 years of her marriage and she was confused over what it really meant to recover from a sex addiction.

Thousands of women in the United States today are affected by their husband’s use of pornography. Research conducted by the Witherspoon Institute suggests that pornography – especially Internet-based pornography – can damage individuals of all ages and genders, hurting relationships and the ability to function properly in society.

While specialists agree that pornography use is damaging to people and families, there is therapy that can help the individual overcome the addiction. For many, healing is possible through engaging in principles of intervention and working with a therapist, religious leader or a 12-step program or a combination of two or more. It is hard work, but it can be done.
 

To help those suffering with sexual compulsivity, Sexual Compulsivity Anonymous was created. This organization is based on the concept that sexual compulsivity is a disease with three dimensions: emotional, physical and spiritual.

Those who are sexually compulsive experience a high in contemplating and engaging in the “acting out” behavior, followed by a let-down after the act has finished; they engage in sexual behaviors they know are not healthy or place them in legal, physical or spiritual jeopardy; and they feel disconnected from others, especially from relationships they wish to be healthy.

To help individuals ascertain whether or not they are truly dealing with sexual compulsivity, the SCA developed 20 questions that challenge the individual to truly look at their thoughts and behaviors. If after completing the 20 questions the individual feels they should consider the SCA, there are certain characteristics members have found they have in common. These characteristics have everything to do with how the individual views sex and engages in sexual acts.

The first step to recovery – as required by the SCA – is for the sexually compulsive individual to admit that he or she is powerful over their condition and that it makes life unmanageable. At that point, the individual is ready to move on to the 12-step program. One specific requirement is that he or she must have a desire to stop his or her compulsive sexual behavior.

Part of this process is to encourage members of the SCA to express their sexuality in safe and legal ways. By safe, this means in ways that are safe to the individual in terms of their physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Achieving sexual sobriety is when the individual can be sexual in such a way that does not inappropriately interfere with his or her time or energy.

The recovery process of the SCA is very similar to the 12-step program developed by Alcoholics Anonymous and suggests that members use prayer and meditation to achieve sobriety and remain sober. The group also suggests members provide service to others during the meetings, whether it is in greeting members, making coffee, cleaning up after the meeting or serving as a sponsor.

Identifying whether or not the individual is dealing with sexual compulsivity is an important step toward recovery, as well as an important step toward protecting the individual.
 

For the individual dealing with sexual compulsivity, understanding the triggers that lead to action is a key step in gaining control over the condition. Once triggers are identified, the individual can develop a plan for dealing with these triggers so as to avoid acting out in such a way that it damages their health, relationships or social stability.

The periods of time in which the sexually compulsive individual is more likely to act out sexually are referred to as hot spots. Some are able to pinpoint their hot spots to a specific time of the day and when the daily schedule is mapped out, can easily identify those times in which they are most vulnerable. Others may be more prone to hot spots when they are stressed and seeking a release, when they have nothing to do or to reward good behavior when they did not act out throughout the day.

Clearly identifying a daily and weekly schedule is the first step to determining whether or not hot sports occur in a pattern throughout the day or week, or if they are more random. It is important to record all free time as individuals dealing with sexual compulsivity or a sexual addiction find that free time is often a hot spot for acting out.

The identification stage is one of the most important for the sexually compulsive individual who wants to get a handle on their thoughts and actions. The good news is, there are also steps that can be taken to ensure the individual is in control of their addiction and not the other way around.

While therapy is often recommended, the individual can also engage in hobbies, remove him or herself from tempting situations, rely on the buddy system and even implement a regular exercise routine. Known as coping strategies, these different activities will empower the individual to change their behavior. This list is not all inclusive, but instead offers a few areas of focus that are proven effective.

Exercise is a great way to relieve sexual stress, hobbies get the mind engaged in other activities that bring a different kind of pleasure and the buddy system may be a close friend, a counselor or even a therapist. There are no hard and fast rules for overcoming sexual compulsivity, yet some methods truly do work. The important thing is to recognize that you have a problem and make the decision to do something about it. The road is not likely to be easy, but it is possible to travel.

The answer may surprise you. One of the most empowering things you can do now – admittedly a low point in your life – is to take charge of what you need to know about your sexually-compulsive partner’s behavior. But what does this really mean. Better yet, how do you go about it? Read on.

Take Stock of the Situation

First you need to take stock of your current situation. While you may initially think the situation is obvious – your partner cheated on you, one way or another – it’s much more than that. You need to take into consideration how long the partnership or marriage has existed, what type of relationship the two of you have enjoyed during that time, if there are any children involved, your financial circumstances – as a couple and individually, and whether you are currently employed or are dependent upon your partner.

There are other considerations as well, including whether this is the first time you’ve discovered your partner’s sexual transgressions, whether his or her sexual behavior has become more and more flagrant and/or escalated in intensity, frequency and variety. Chances are, if this is the first time you’ve noticed the behavior, or the first time it has been drawn to your attention, the sexually-compulsive behavior may be in its initial stages. That’s the good news.

If such behavior has been escalating for some time and you’ve secretly been somewhat aware but chose to look the other way, excuse it, deny it, or tell yourself it didn’t matter, the sexual compulsiveness may have already intensified to the point of addiction. If so, the sexually-compulsive partner most likely has a rock-solid system in place for perpetuating his or her out-of-the-norm sexual behaviors – including an elaborate web of alibis, lies, and half-truths. Your partner has, in effect, become adept at putting one over on you. That’s the bad news.

Once you take stock of your personal situation, you’re ready for the next step: making a decision.

What’s Best for You?

Do you want to stay with your partner? The reason you took stock of your situation before you try to answer this question is that it has to be based on more than just emotional retaliation. You need to carefully weigh and balance the good of your relationship against the current bad. Whatever you do ultimately decide, it does need to be what is best for you – and your children, if you have any.

After your partner realizes you know, or has told you, of his or her sexually-compulsive behavior, the expectation is that there will be a discussion about it. Even if your partner swears never to engage in the behavior again, and begs for your forgiveness, that doesn’t mean that you need to leap into a decision that doesn’t feel right. First of all, you need time to digest the knowledge, to examine your own feelings and personal situation to determine what you want to do about it. Insist on this time. Be firm with your partner and say that you will not be rushed into making any decisions.

Be prepared for some particularly tough moments during this time, however, as many sexually-compulsive partners want to get the discovery and retribution discussion over and done with as soon as possible. Others want to avoid any conversation about their behavior and prefer to gloss over everything as a “mistake” or a “one-time occurrence.” Again, resist the temptation to be drawn into any lengthy discussions at this time. Simply say that you need time to think things over and you will let your partner know when it is an appropriate time to talk about the situation.

How Much is Too Much?

One point you should stress as soon as you can is how much information you want. What does this mean? Obviously, you’ll need to know certain things about your partner’s sexual compulsion or addiction. On a purely basic level, you need to know if the sexual transgressions involve unsafe sex with strangers – which increase the risk of sexually-transmitted diseases such as HIV/AIDS and hepatitis. Are there multiple sexual partners, or extramarital affairs? Are prostitutes involved?

According to the Mayo Clinic, compulsive sexual behavior, in many cases, consists of generally acceptable sexual acts taken to the extreme. Other compulsive sexual behaviors are outside the bounds of normal sexual activity. These behaviors, called paraphilias, range from cross-dressing to having sexual desires for children (pedophilia).

How much information do you feel capable of learning? Before you can answer this question, you should know some of the signs of sexual compulsion or addiction.

• Avoiding emotional involvement in sexual relationships
• Having sex with prostitutes or anonymous partners
• Having multiple extramarital affairs or sexual partners
• Excessive masturbation
• Masochistic or sadistic sex
• Exhibitionism
• Frequent use of pornographic materials
• Sexual fixation on someone who is unattainable
• Use of commercial sexually explicit telephone or Internet services

It can be very disturbing, from an emotional standpoint, hearing the specifics of your loved one’s compulsive sexual behaviors. The effect of having this knowledge will be forever imprinted in your mind. No matter how you try to erase it, you won’t forget whatever details you find the most painful. This is important, because the one area where you are in control – or should be – is how much, when, and how you want to hear the details of your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior.

You decide if you only want to know:

• Is it other women or one other woman?
• How long has it been going on?
• How much money has been spent in pursuit of the sexual addiction?
• What services or materials are involved – phone or cybersex, pornographic materials?
• Have you had sex with prostitutes?
• Have you ever touched, had desires for, or had sex with our children – or any children?
• Have you had unsafe sex? When, how many times? Have you been tested for HIV/AIDS?

Sexual Addiction Requires Treatment

Along with taking control of what you need to know about your partner’s compulsive sexual behavior or sexual addiction, there’s another critical element affecting your future – and your partner’s. Sexual addiction requires treatment. Like any other addiction – to alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, overspending, overwork, or multiple addictions – it will never be cured. Often, sexual addiction coexists with a chemical dependency. Untreated, sexual addiction often leads to relapse to chemical substances.
According to literature on treatment of sexual addicts, by the time they seek treatment, the relationship or marriage is already on the rocks or in great distress. But addicts can learn new coping behaviors, and they can overcome their destructive urges.
This includes sex addicts.

But the partner of the sexually-compulsive individual also benefits from treatment. Sexual addiction is considered a family disease in that more than just the addict is affected. Spouses of the sexual addicts, or coaddicts, according to sexual addiction treatment experts, usually grew up in a dysfunctional family. They may have been sexually abused as children. As a result, they are attracted to needy individuals – a situation that perfectly describes an addict. The coaddicts fear abandonment, will tolerate behavior that others would find unacceptable, and cannot imagine life without their partner.

As the spouse or partner of the sexually-compulsive individual, encourage and/or insist that he or she seek treatment. Be prepared for strong resistance on the part of the sexual addict, however, as denial is first and foremost in their line of defense. This does not mean that you cannot seek treatment for yourself. In fact, your mental and physical health and well being depend on it.

Where to Find Help

Various treatment options are available for your sexually compulsive partner, from individual and group counseling, to residential treatment facilities, inhospital or intensive outpatient treatment centers. Your partner may also benefit from, or start with, participation in 12-step support groups such as Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and Sexual Recovery Anonymous.

But do not wait for your partner to seek treatment before you get help for your recovery. Just making sense of all the conflicting emotions and personal turmoil that are going on in your life requires both a level of detachment and sound solutions – neither of which you may be capable of at this point. Talk with your family physician, spiritual advisor or member of the clergy, family or trusted friend and get a referral to a counselor that specializes in treating partners or loved ones of sexual addicts.

If all this seems too daunting right now, take advantage of the 12-step groups that are available for others in your situation. There are several to choose from. All are free of charge, have many meeting locations, and may even have meetings available by phone or over the Internet. In any case, thoroughly check out their websites and read through the FAQs, articles, newsletters, and download or send away for literature. There are questionnaires, signs to look for, case studies or personal stories, and many helpful solutions. Best of all, you’ll find a network of caring individuals, each of whom has gone through some form of what you’re now experiencing. They can listen, give you emotional support, and provide concrete examples based on personal experience of what worked for them. Sometimes, just knowing you are not alone is the biggest boost you can get.

Here are some 12-step groups for you to consider:
• COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) – Open to anyone whose life has been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior.
• S-Anon International Family Groups – A program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. The S-Anon program is based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. Site offers S-Anon literature that is conference approved and recommended for members to read as a basis for meditation and increased recovery awareness.
• Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA World Fellowship) – The common purpose of this fellowship is to help members attain healthy relationships. Helpful information on Recovery Patterns of Codependence including patterns of denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control.

Give yourself the gift of knowledge, embrace the support from others who have been similarly affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior, and take charge of what you need to know about your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior.

Counselors who treat the partners of sexual addicts recommend that you try a group for at least six meetings to see if it’s right for you. If that group doesn’t work out, try another meeting location or a different group. You will find one that meshes with you. Give it time, and don’t give up. After all, you need to rediscover your identity, self-confidence and self-esteem that may have been lost dealing with your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior.

In addition, here are some other resources and website links for women that may prove helpful in your path toward rediscovery.

• A Woman’s Healing Journey – This site contains articles for spouses of sex addicts, Q&A about coping, stories from wives of sex addicts, getting him to change, online community, books and resources and more.

• American Foundation for Addiction Research (AFAR) – This link is to a literature page on family issues relative to sexual addiction.

• Gentle Path Press – Books and resources on hope and freedom for sexual addicts and their partners, principles for achieving personal balance, how to mend a shattered heart, ready to heal and other titles.