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Dr. Drew Talks Sex Addiction on Oprah
Posted under Sex Addiction Treatment on Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
“It is one of the problems of our time,” said Dr. Drew Pinsky, an addiction specialist and host of VH1’s “Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew,” of sexual addiction. “We’ve just been through a period of history where sexuality was viewed as a revolution and [people thought] it’s okay to do whatever you’re into, but the fact is, sexuality has become a drug in our culture,” he continued.
On the Oprah Winfrey show, Dr. Drew defined sex addiction as an intimacy disorder, explaining that people who are addicted to sex may be afraid of or unfamiliar with intimacy, so they substitute sex for real human closeness.
"Sexuality is something that should make you feel good about yourself," Dr. Drew said. "[When you're a sex addict], you’ve lost control of your sexuality." He went on to explain that people who experience negative consequences from their addiction but continue the behavior are considered addicts. "The biggest issue is consequences," he said. "Work, school, finances, relationships, health, legal status…those areas of your life are being threatened."
Dr. Drew told Oprah that 80 to 90 percent of sex addicts suffered trauma as children. "If you have a history of trauma, particularly sexual trauma, in childhood, you want to look very carefully at this behavior," he said.
These terrorizing experiences can influence who you’re drawn to as an adult. "The people and places that cause terror in childhood cause attraction in adulthood," he said. "We end up being repetitively attracted to the same kind of person that obliges us by acting out the same behavior over again."
On “Sex Rehab,” Dr. Drew and a team of addiction specialists work with self-confessed sex addicts to help them overcome their addiction. On the first day, the participants are told that they can have no porn or sex toys, and that they can’t engage in touching, masturbation, or sex.
Amber Smith, a former Sports Illustrated swimwear model, told Oprah that she came to Dr. Drew to get help with her unhealthy obsession with men. After recovering from a drug addiction, Smith said she became intent on meeting men. "I wake up every day, and I go boy hunting to get a hit of the guy," she said. "I feel like I’m falling apart. This is a thousand times more fearful than drug rehab."
Dr. Drew said Amber struggles with another form of sex addiction—love addiction. "In love addiction that experience of: ‘Oh my God, I’m in love…I feel whole, and I feel like I’ve known this person forever.’ That is a feeling that you have to have all the time," he said. "You become addicted to it."
According to Dr. Drew, women often start out as love addicts and over time develop into sex addicts. Amber traces her problems back to her childhood. Her father left home when she was 3 years old, and as an adult, she says she became obsessed with men who look just like him. Amber said her obsessions aren’t fatal attractions, but she becomes severely depressed when she doesn’t see these men.
Amber left rehab six months ago, but says that even though she has the tools she needs to overcome her cycle, it’s very hard for her to stop.
Rock drummer Phil Varone also appeared to talk with Dr. Drew and Oprah, explaining that unlike most sex addicts, he had a happy childhood and supportive parents. As an adult, he found himself incapable of holding on to a relationship. "I just can’t have a relationship because I’m so addicted to a woman’s body," he said. "I have to have them.”
Phil estimates that he’s had sex with more than 3,000 women, and yet he’s afraid of dying alone. "I refer to my alter ego as Hans because he was the rock star. He was the guy who came into the room, you know, pointed a finger and got any woman he wanted," he said. "Phil went to the hotel room alone and just cried on a bed."
After completing Dr. Drew’s rehab program six months ago, Phil was very scared and confused, but now he’s starting to care about someone other than himself. "I’m really even more sorry for my old relationships," he said. "The ones that I really hurt are the ones that I truly feel bad about."
Jennie Ketcham, another patient of Dr. Drew’s, is a former porn star who went by the name Penny Flame. She said she had no interest in intimacy—just in sex. She opened up to Dr. Drew that she suffered a traumatic childhood, losing her virginity at age 12 and having sex with boys in middle school.
"It made me feel powerful over the boys. But, I mean, it totally backfired," she said. "The whole middle school found out that I had a new game to play, and they’d sing songs at lunch. They’d sing, ’1, 2, 3, 4, Jennie Ketcham is a whore.’”
Since leaving rehab, Jennie has abstained from drinking, sex, and pornography. “Rehab really shattered this facade that I’ve been putting on," she said. "Once those pieces were strewn across the rehab floor, the work that I’ve done in picking them up and putting them back together has made me feel a lot less like a monster…but there are certainly days."
Jennie said she needs to get to know herself again before pursuing an intimate relationship with another person. "I haven’t had one up to this point," she said.
Oprah and Dr. Drew also talked to a married couple who struggled with sex addiction. After being married for four years, Elaine discovered that her husband, Jonathan, was secretly addicted to porn, which led him to sex chat rooms and sex with prostitutes.
During this time, Jonathan said he hid his addiction out of shame, and though he felt a release when he had sex, he didn’t enjoy these extramarital relationships. "There’s the thrill of sex, but it’s just so filled with shame and secrecy," he said. "It also brought such feelings of guilt."
The couple separated when Elaine first found out about Jonathan’s addiction, but they have been back together for ten years. "We always ask people to kind of take a breathing period. There may need to be a separation for a period of time," Jonathan said. "We have found that our intimacy in our relationship and our connection is vastly better than we ever imagined it could be…There is hope for change."
Dr. Drew said a marriage plagued by sex addiction can survive if both partners are committed to the recovery process. "It can’t be a one-way street," he said.
"We first have them do a timeline of their life and talk about all the major events and traumas," Dr. Drew said. "We’re jumping in deeply into the feelings and these things that they’ve been detached from and avoiding many times their whole lives."
Dr. Drew said this makes sex addiction the most difficult and painful to treat, and for some, recovery can take three to five years.
"It is a relationship with the self that is flawed. Parts of the self get literally walled off from them. They can’t love them. They can’t even access them."
