The answer may surprise you. One of the most empowering things you can do now – admittedly a low point in your life – is to take charge of what you need to know about your sexually-compulsive partner’s behavior. But what does this really mean. Better yet, how do you go about it? Read on.

Take Stock of the Situation

First you need to take stock of your current situation. While you may initially think the situation is obvious – your partner cheated on you, one way or another – it’s much more than that. You need to take into consideration how long the partnership or marriage has existed, what type of relationship the two of you have enjoyed during that time, if there are any children involved, your financial circumstances – as a couple and individually, and whether you are currently employed or are dependent upon your partner.

There are other considerations as well, including whether this is the first time you’ve discovered your partner’s sexual transgressions, whether his or her sexual behavior has become more and more flagrant and/or escalated in intensity, frequency and variety. Chances are, if this is the first time you’ve noticed the behavior, or the first time it has been drawn to your attention, the sexually-compulsive behavior may be in its initial stages. That’s the good news.

If such behavior has been escalating for some time and you’ve secretly been somewhat aware but chose to look the other way, excuse it, deny it, or tell yourself it didn’t matter, the sexual compulsiveness may have already intensified to the point of addiction. If so, the sexually-compulsive partner most likely has a rock-solid system in place for perpetuating his or her out-of-the-norm sexual behaviors – including an elaborate web of alibis, lies, and half-truths. Your partner has, in effect, become adept at putting one over on you. That’s the bad news.

Once you take stock of your personal situation, you’re ready for the next step: making a decision.

What’s Best for You?

Do you want to stay with your partner? The reason you took stock of your situation before you try to answer this question is that it has to be based on more than just emotional retaliation. You need to carefully weigh and balance the good of your relationship against the current bad. Whatever you do ultimately decide, it does need to be what is best for you – and your children, if you have any.

After your partner realizes you know, or has told you, of his or her sexually-compulsive behavior, the expectation is that there will be a discussion about it. Even if your partner swears never to engage in the behavior again, and begs for your forgiveness, that doesn’t mean that you need to leap into a decision that doesn’t feel right. First of all, you need time to digest the knowledge, to examine your own feelings and personal situation to determine what you want to do about it. Insist on this time. Be firm with your partner and say that you will not be rushed into making any decisions.

Be prepared for some particularly tough moments during this time, however, as many sexually-compulsive partners want to get the discovery and retribution discussion over and done with as soon as possible. Others want to avoid any conversation about their behavior and prefer to gloss over everything as a “mistake” or a “one-time occurrence.” Again, resist the temptation to be drawn into any lengthy discussions at this time. Simply say that you need time to think things over and you will let your partner know when it is an appropriate time to talk about the situation.

How Much is Too Much?

One point you should stress as soon as you can is how much information you want. What does this mean? Obviously, you’ll need to know certain things about your partner’s sexual compulsion or addiction. On a purely basic level, you need to know if the sexual transgressions involve unsafe sex with strangers – which increase the risk of sexually-transmitted diseases such as HIV/AIDS and hepatitis. Are there multiple sexual partners, or extramarital affairs? Are prostitutes involved?

According to the Mayo Clinic, compulsive sexual behavior, in many cases, consists of generally acceptable sexual acts taken to the extreme. Other compulsive sexual behaviors are outside the bounds of normal sexual activity. These behaviors, called paraphilias, range from cross-dressing to having sexual desires for children (pedophilia).

How much information do you feel capable of learning? Before you can answer this question, you should know some of the signs of sexual compulsion or addiction.

• Avoiding emotional involvement in sexual relationships
• Having sex with prostitutes or anonymous partners
• Having multiple extramarital affairs or sexual partners
• Excessive masturbation
• Masochistic or sadistic sex
• Exhibitionism
• Frequent use of pornographic materials
• Sexual fixation on someone who is unattainable
• Use of commercial sexually explicit telephone or Internet services

It can be very disturbing, from an emotional standpoint, hearing the specifics of your loved one’s compulsive sexual behaviors. The effect of having this knowledge will be forever imprinted in your mind. No matter how you try to erase it, you won’t forget whatever details you find the most painful. This is important, because the one area where you are in control – or should be – is how much, when, and how you want to hear the details of your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior.

You decide if you only want to know:

• Is it other women or one other woman?
• How long has it been going on?
• How much money has been spent in pursuit of the sexual addiction?
• What services or materials are involved – phone or cybersex, pornographic materials?
• Have you had sex with prostitutes?
• Have you ever touched, had desires for, or had sex with our children – or any children?
• Have you had unsafe sex? When, how many times? Have you been tested for HIV/AIDS?

Sexual Addiction Requires Treatment

Along with taking control of what you need to know about your partner’s compulsive sexual behavior or sexual addiction, there’s another critical element affecting your future – and your partner’s. Sexual addiction requires treatment. Like any other addiction – to alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, overspending, overwork, or multiple addictions – it will never be cured. Often, sexual addiction coexists with a chemical dependency. Untreated, sexual addiction often leads to relapse to chemical substances.
According to literature on treatment of sexual addicts, by the time they seek treatment, the relationship or marriage is already on the rocks or in great distress. But addicts can learn new coping behaviors, and they can overcome their destructive urges.
This includes sex addicts.

But the partner of the sexually-compulsive individual also benefits from treatment. Sexual addiction is considered a family disease in that more than just the addict is affected. Spouses of the sexual addicts, or coaddicts, according to sexual addiction treatment experts, usually grew up in a dysfunctional family. They may have been sexually abused as children. As a result, they are attracted to needy individuals – a situation that perfectly describes an addict. The coaddicts fear abandonment, will tolerate behavior that others would find unacceptable, and cannot imagine life without their partner.

As the spouse or partner of the sexually-compulsive individual, encourage and/or insist that he or she seek treatment. Be prepared for strong resistance on the part of the sexual addict, however, as denial is first and foremost in their line of defense. This does not mean that you cannot seek treatment for yourself. In fact, your mental and physical health and well being depend on it.

Where to Find Help

Various treatment options are available for your sexually compulsive partner, from individual and group counseling, to residential treatment facilities, inhospital or intensive outpatient treatment centers. Your partner may also benefit from, or start with, participation in 12-step support groups such as Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and Sexual Recovery Anonymous.

But do not wait for your partner to seek treatment before you get help for your recovery. Just making sense of all the conflicting emotions and personal turmoil that are going on in your life requires both a level of detachment and sound solutions – neither of which you may be capable of at this point. Talk with your family physician, spiritual advisor or member of the clergy, family or trusted friend and get a referral to a counselor that specializes in treating partners or loved ones of sexual addicts.

If all this seems too daunting right now, take advantage of the 12-step groups that are available for others in your situation. There are several to choose from. All are free of charge, have many meeting locations, and may even have meetings available by phone or over the Internet. In any case, thoroughly check out their websites and read through the FAQs, articles, newsletters, and download or send away for literature. There are questionnaires, signs to look for, case studies or personal stories, and many helpful solutions. Best of all, you’ll find a network of caring individuals, each of whom has gone through some form of what you’re now experiencing. They can listen, give you emotional support, and provide concrete examples based on personal experience of what worked for them. Sometimes, just knowing you are not alone is the biggest boost you can get.

Here are some 12-step groups for you to consider:
• COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) – Open to anyone whose life has been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior.
• S-Anon International Family Groups – A program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. The S-Anon program is based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. Site offers S-Anon literature that is conference approved and recommended for members to read as a basis for meditation and increased recovery awareness.
• Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA World Fellowship) – The common purpose of this fellowship is to help members attain healthy relationships. Helpful information on Recovery Patterns of Codependence including patterns of denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control.

Give yourself the gift of knowledge, embrace the support from others who have been similarly affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior, and take charge of what you need to know about your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior.

Counselors who treat the partners of sexual addicts recommend that you try a group for at least six meetings to see if it’s right for you. If that group doesn’t work out, try another meeting location or a different group. You will find one that meshes with you. Give it time, and don’t give up. After all, you need to rediscover your identity, self-confidence and self-esteem that may have been lost dealing with your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior.

In addition, here are some other resources and website links for women that may prove helpful in your path toward rediscovery.

• A Woman’s Healing Journey – This site contains articles for spouses of sex addicts, Q&A about coping, stories from wives of sex addicts, getting him to change, online community, books and resources and more.

• American Foundation for Addiction Research (AFAR) – This link is to a literature page on family issues relative to sexual addiction.

• Gentle Path Press – Books and resources on hope and freedom for sexual addicts and their partners, principles for achieving personal balance, how to mend a shattered heart, ready to heal and other titles.