“People look at sex addiction as an excuse; it’s not an excuse. I’m fully responsible for everything that I did and accept responsibility for that,” Phillips said in his first interview since leaving the Gentle Path sex addiction program at the same Mississippi treatment center that is said to have just finished treating Tiger Woods.

“I’ve broken my wife’s heart,” Phillips said. “I’ve damaged her and our relationship in a terrible way.”

Mike Celizic of TODAYshow.com writes that last August, Brooke Hundley, a 22-year-old production assistant at ESPN, told Phillips’ wife Marni that she had had an affair with him. Hundley, who also contacted Phillips’ 16-year-old son through the Internet, posing as a classmate, confronted Marni in front of her home. Terrified, Marni called the police.

This wasn’t the first time Phillips’ sex addiction got him in trouble. In 1998, while he was the general manager of the New York Mets, a co-worker filed a sexual harassment suit against him that forced him to take a brief leave of absence from his job. The case was settled out of court.

Phillips told Lauer that he knew he had a problem back then, but he didn’t look at it as an addiction. “I didn’t go to a clinic; I just got some local therapy,” he said. “I tried to manage everything on my own. I didn’t get the appropriate help that I needed.”

Celizic writes that everything finally came crashing down when he had three sexual adventures with Hundley last summer. After the affair ended, Hundley contacted Marni and then the eldest of the Phillips’ four sons. When Marni made her 911 call after Hundley confronted her in her own driveway, the story hit the New York tabloids.

“I think of all that my family’s gone through,” Phillips said. “People choose to participate in a relationship, but my wife and kids didn’t. With what my wife and kids have gone through, the trauma that they’ve faced, not only from having a father and a husband that’s a sex addict, but the trauma of the media attention, they’ve been through a lot.”

Phillips told Lauer that he realized he was out of control after he broke off the affair with Hundley. “I started calling facilities in August, well before everything blew up, and before there really was a problem where I ended up losing my job,” he said. “I knew I had a problem; I needed to get help.”

By the time he entered treatment in October, both Phillips and Hundley had been fired by ESPN. Now living in California, Hundley told NBC News that she regrets what happened.
“I’m sorry for him and his family. I’m sorry for my family. I was 22; I made some mistakes. If I could take them back, I would, OK?” she said.

The program Phillips completed is a 12-step program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, whose first step calls on members to recognize that they are powerless over their addictions and their lives have become unmanageable.

“People who go there are broken people,” Phillips explained. “That’s really the essence of the addiction, that you’re broken inside. You’ve got a hole that you’ve tried to fill, whether it was with alcohol or drugs or sex or gambling, with whatever. You go there and try to get the basics of why did you do what you did,” he added. “For most addicts, whether it’s alcohol or sex or whatever, it is that you have that hole inside based upon shame and trauma that occurred from childhood.”

This week, Woods backed his car into a fire hydrant and a tree in the middle of the night, and his wife was said to have broken the back windshield of the car with a golf club in an attempt to help him. Woods refused to speak publicly about the nature of the accident, and has withdrawn from upcoming tournaments citing injuries from the accident. Woods’ secrecy fueled rumors of an affair, and former VH1 reality star and cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs recently told Us Weekly that she and Woods had been having an affair since meeting in Las Vegas in 2007—two months before Woods’ wife gave birth to their first child.

Grubbs told Us Weekly that their 31-month relationship included 20 sexual encounters, and that she was sorry Woods’ wife would be reading these intimate details. Woods has also been linked to Rachel Uchitel, who manages VIP events at successful clubs in New York, though she denies any involvement with the golfer. Life & Style magazine also recently featured an article on Kalika Moquin, a marketing manager at a Las Vegas club, claiming she “hooked up” with Woods several times.

After Us Weekly reported Grubbs’ story, Woods stated that he let his family down and that he regrets these “transgressions” with “all of (his) heart.” He writes on his website: "I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone."

Many people are shocked that Woods would risk losing his beautiful wife, and although the public doesn’t know the behind-the-scenes details of their marriage, infidelity experts say it’s not surprising that guys like Woods seek sex outside of their marriage.

Cosmopolitan magazine writes that the reasons some men are unfaithful are rarely about the sex itself, but because cheating fuels a deep psychological need. "Several factors make some men more likely to stray, even if they are dating or married to a beautiful woman," says Don-David Lusterman, PhD, author of Infidelity: A Survival Guide.

The first factor is the man’s level of success. Men in high-profile, powerful positions (such as celebrities, athletes, business executives, and politicians) often have a sense of superiority and entitlement. "These guys have achieved a certain status, and bedding several attractive women further reinforces it in their mind," says Lusterman. Moreover, these men are constantly on the road, away from their girlfriends and wives, and their prominence attracts women who offer no-strings-attached sex. "They may have a wonderful partner waiting at home, but the situation they’re in, coupled with their role of pursuer, makes it that much easier to cheat," adds Lusterman.

Plenty of “regular” men are unfaithful too, especially when their backgrounds condone it. Many cheaters come from chauvinistic cultures or families where their fathers cheated. “There are internal blueprints (created by watching our parents) that make cheating more of an option for some guys,” says Dr. Debbie Magids, author of All the Good Ones Aren’t Taken. Men who were ignored as children often develop deep trust issues, which can make long-term relationships difficult. “Chronic cheating is rooted in an emotional emptiness that can give people the need to feel constantly desired,” she says.

Some men who cheat suffer from sexual addiction and other mental disorders. Sex addicts, for example, are so enslaved to the rush of sexual activity that they have affairs, visit prostitutes, and compulsively watch pornography. "Ironically, many of them have happy relationships and feel guilty for cheating, but they can’t stop," says Lusterman. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder can’t resist the temptation because he is obsessed with being adored.

"It’s important to pay attention to the warning signs, but whether a man will stray or not boils down to his level of honesty within the relationship and his loyalty to you," says Lusterman.

Hundley admitted that late-night talk show host Jay Leno’s comments about her appearance pushed her to the “breaking point.” She explained, "I had a friend come stay with me because he was concerned …that mentally I would not be able to take much more.”

In an opening monologue after the sex scandal broke, Leno compared a photo of Hundley to Phillips’ wife, Marni, and asked, "What was he thinking?"

Hundley took responsibility for the anguish she caused Marni Phillips by delivering her a letter detailing the affair with her husband. "I brought it on, but not intentionally," Hundley said. "I simply wanted somebody to get upset enough to have an impact, to get me out of this horrific situation."

Asked if she has a message for her former lover, Hundley said she hoped Phillips "would grow up and take responsibility for his own actions."

Hundley became a punchline after a frantic Marni Phillips made a 911 call in August telling them a "crazy" woman was on her property and gave her a letter.

"I’m the woman he’s been seeing for a while now," she wrote in the letter. "I’m not just some random girl he had sex with in parking lots."

This was followed by revelations that Hundley cyberstalked Phillips’ son via Facebook and asked him questions about his parents’ love life.

A former general manager of the New York Mets whose tenure there was marred by another sex scandal, Phillips admitted to three sexual encounters with Hundley.

He called Hundley "obsessive and delusional," and told cops he feared for the safety of his family.

ESPN fired both of them as the scandal spread.

Hundley declined to go into detail about the affair but insisted she was no stalker and "didn’t harass anyone." "I did things I regret, obviously," she added. "People make mistakes at 22."

Hundley said she was too afraid to tell ESPN’s human resources department that she had sex with one of their top on-air talents.

"I was in a situation where I felt like if I didn’t do what was asked of me, then everything I had worked for, for the past six years, everything I had done to establish myself as a successful media professional, could be gone like that," she said.

Hundley filed for an order of protection against Phillips in August. In it, she claimed he pursued her and threatened her, "stating that if I spoke a word of this to his wife that he would ruin more than just my reputation but could easily get me fired."

Hundley later withdrew the application, and told Snow that she and Phillips have resolved their issues.

She also said she decided to speak out to help other women trapped in disastrous affairs.

"I’ve been called things by the public that no woman should ever be called," she said. "I’ve been called a homewrecker."

Infidelity as part of sexual compulsivity, then, poses real problems for the couple trying to maintain their relationship. If there are children involved, the situation is even more difficult. Each partner carries a tremendous sense of guilt, shame, anger and other emotions. For the sexually compulsive partner, hiding the secret of the affairs becomes a full-time job. Lying and deception become so common-place that it’s hard to tell the truth anymore about anything. For the spouse of the sexual addict, the sense of betrayal, abandonment and loss are almost too much to bear. Both partners are seriously damaged.

What can be done about infidelity and sexual compulsivity? What should be done? The answers may surprise you.

Honesty May Not Be the Best Policy

If a person is an alcoholic or addicted to drugs or gambling or workaholism and is undergoing treatment and/or is in recovery, he or she is most likely also attending a 12-step group meeting of some type. This may be Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Cocaine Anonymous (CA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Gamblers Anonymous (GA) or Workaholics Anonymous (WA). In fact, the 12-step method originated by AA has been adapted by the other groups to address their specific focus. Going to the meetings, receiving the support of other members of the group who have gone through similar circumstances and are themselves in recovery, the addict works his or her way through the 12 steps. Two of these steps involve honesty and disclosure – to self and others.

Steps eight and nine of the AA 12 steps involve making a list of all the people we have harmed and being willing to make amends to them all (step and making “direct amends” to people we have harmed “except when to do so would injure them or others” (step 9). Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) has incorporated these same steps, word for word, into their own 12 steps (adapted from the original AA 12-steps).

There are other 12-step groups or fellowships for sexual addiction and sexual compulsivity, all of which are affiliated in an Interfellowship Program. These groups include SA, above, as well as Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA). While they have slightly different philosophies and approaches, they all stress honesty. Interestingly, they all have the same steps eight and nine in their own 12-steps.

Meeting with the 12-step groups that deal with sexual addiction and sexual compulsivity, the individual seeking help and support is encouraged to open up and admit their powerlessness over their sexual obsession, or lust, or unmanageable sexual behavior. They also receive the support of others in the group in order that they can take a moral inventory, admit their wrongdoings and share their hurt, feelings, shame, guilt, anger and other emotions in the safe confines of the group. This is the personal honesty that is a requisite part of being in the groups.

When it comes to telling the spouse/partner about the infidelities and all the sordid details of the affairs that the sexually compulsive person has committed, however, that’s another story indeed. Remember the part in step nine – “except when to do so would injure them or others” – well, unburdening your own conscience at the expense of another does much more harm than good. It may make you feel better, but it may also cost you your marriage or partnership. Clearly, then, honesty is not always the best policy.

Jennifer Schneider, in landmark research of couples and infidelity and sexual compulsivity, found that the offended partner very much wants to be in control of exactly how much is disclosed and to have these feelings of distrust and violation acknowledged by their sexually addicted partner and the therapist they are seeing as a couple. In other words, the power over what and how much about the infidelity is disclosed rests in the hands of the offended partner, not the sexual addict. That’s a bitter pill for the person who wants to unburden themselves and let go of their own guilt. It means they have a lot more work to do before they can reach the stage of broaching this subject with their partner. They’ll just have to chin up and do a lot more soul-searching.

What Can The Sexually Compulsive Partner Do?

For the sexual addict or sexually compulsive individual who is engaging in multiple affairs or cannot break off an extramarital affair, it’s important to find a therapist specializing in problems of sexual compulsivity.
He or she should attend one or several 12-step sexual help groups (SA, SAA, SLAA, SCA or SRA). In addition, he or she should also get a sex recovery sponsor from one of those meetings.
Check into treatment for sexual compulsivity – either as an outpatient or inpatient. Some treatment facilities specializing in sexual compulsion and sexual addiction offer residential and extensive outpatient treatment. Some have intensive workshops for couples, to be utilized in conjunction with a treatment program.

Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., a nationally known speaker on addiction and recovery, and director of Gentle Path, a 6-week intensive program designed to treat sexual compulsion, is also the author of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (1992), Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict (1989), and several other books worth reading.
There are numerous residential treatment centers that offer treatment for various addictions. Not all of them specialize in sexual compulsivity, however. Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu and West Los Angeles, offer extensive addiction treatment services, including those for sexual compulsivity.

What about Affected Spouses?

If you are the spouse of a sexually compulsive or sexually addicted person who has also been unfaithful, an important part of healing for you is to know and accept that the depression, anxiety and physical pain you feel do not mean that you are losing your mind. These are normal feelings and actually are part of the healing process for your recovery. What you probably need most of all is advice on what you should handle right now.

The worst mistake, according to marriage counselors and treatment professionals, is to stuff your feelings down. Don’t try to ignore them – they’ll just reassert themselves in more destructive ways. You also can’t run away from your partner’s sexual addiction – even though this, too, is a normal instinct. All of these behaviors do long term damage to you.
Instead, isolate and identify your feelings. Take control of you as a person and regain your sense of self-worth and personal power.

Learn how to communicate clearly and effectively with your unfaithful and sexually compulsive or addictive spouse. This is best done by working with a treatment professional who can guide you with appropriate ways of approaching certain subjects.
You need to create a foundation for a new partnership with your spouse, one that is based on trust.

There are also several organizations that can provide support and mutual fellowship while you are going through this process. These include Codependents of Sex Addicts (COSA), a recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by another person’s sexually compulsive behavior. Like AA and the 12-step groups for sexually compulsive or sexually addicted persons, COSA is framed according to adapted 12 steps (again, steps eight and nine are the same). You can check out their website and make use of the resources they have online. COSA offers face-to-face meetings (with a meeting locator by state), as well as telemeeting and online meetings.

Check out COSA’s weekly readings on their resources page – especially week one (Sexual Co-Addiction/Codependency of Sexual Addiction), week two (A Question of Recovery), week three (What is Sobriety?), week four (How do I know if I’m a Co-addict/Codependent of a Sex Addict?), and week five (Letting Go).

Another organization/website is Co-Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (COSLAA). See also their Tools for Recovery. And there’s also S-Anon.

For Couples

If you and your partner have decided to make a go of your relationship, and he/she is currently in or has completed treatment for sexual compulsivity or sexual addiction, ask the treatment professional for a recommendation to a couples treatment workshop, seminar or treatment program. This may be an intensive weekend seminar, or once weekly for a specified time, or 10-day program (or other). Some couples and/or family treatment programs are offered as an add-on service to existing treatment programs. For example, you may be able to participate in a multi-day family and/or couples day experience toward the end of the sexually compulsive or sexually addicted individual’s treatment program.

Treatment professionals also recommend that both partners continue to participate in their respective 12-step groups following treatment.

Infidelity and Sexual Compulsivity – Does it Spell the End of the Relationship?

In the final analysis, this all depends on the couple. How strongly motivated are each of you to continue the marriage or partnership? How willing are you to do what it takes to overcome this serious obstacle and challenge in your relationship? If both you answer yes, and give it your wholehearted commitment, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have every expectation of a future together built on renewed trust – and true intimacy with each other.

Remember, though, that neither of you can do this on your own. Sexual compulsivity and sexual addiction is progressive. For the addict, without treatment, the out-of-control sexual behavior only gets worse – and so do the consequences. Likewise, to effectively deal with the ups and downs, and to get the support and encouragement you need as the affected partner, you also need counseling. Take advantage of various tools and support available to you. And, above all, give it time to work. Your ultimate happiness as a couple is certainly something to look forward to.