How to Recognize Signs of Sexual Addiction
With all the sexual stimuli present in our everyday lives – advertisements on billboards, TV, newspapers and magazines, nudity and/or sexual situations in movies and on TV, scantily-clad or provocatively-dressed males and females of all ages – is it any wonder that sexual addiction is a problem with some individuals? In fact, it may be a vastly underestimated problem. It’s estimated that between 3 and 5 percent of Americans are sexual addicts, but this number is based on the number of people seeking treatment. In reality, the number is probably much greater.
Back to our everyday lives, how can you tell if the guy at the gym that keeps leering at you during your workout is more than just admiring your form? What about a co-worker that constantly boasts about sexual conquests, tells dirty jokes, has pornographic magazines hidden in his or her desk? Are these individuals sexual addicts? What are the signs of sexual addiction?
Rest assured, mild preoccupation with sex doesn’t mean you – or anyone else – is a sex addict. Sexual addiction is an extreme manifestation of thoughts and behavior, actions that are out of the normal range. This, of course, has to be tempered with the fact that the behavior has to be taken in context. What is abnormal sexual behavior for some individuals may be normal for others. An example is having sex numerous times in the course of a day. For a newlywed couple, perhaps this is perfectly normal. For another individual, it may be totally compulsive.
Let’s look at the most common signs someone has a sexual addiction.
• Multiple addictions – Research studies have shown that sex addicts often have more than one addiction. These may include addiction to nicotine, drugs and/or alcohol, compulsive gambling, eating disorder or others.
• Dysfunctional family history – In some studies, a majority of individuals seeking treatment for sexual addiction had a family history of sexual abuse, or where one or both parents were sex addicts themselves, and/or had other addictions.
• Preoccupation with sexual thoughts – The sexual addict cannot stop thinking about sex – every conceivable manner of position, who to have sex with, how to get sex, wanting to get that euphoric feeling the sexual conquest delivers. To the sex addict, everything has a sexual connotation.
• Time and money – The sexual addict spends increasing amounts of time and money seeking gratification through sex.
• Multiple or anonymous sex – Always looking for sex, the sex addict has sex with numerous partners, often anonymously. It isn’t the person they’re after. It’s the conquest, the means to an end. Who the person is doesn’t matter to the sexual addict. The one-night stand is a classic example of anonymous sex.
• Constant masturbation – If a sexual partner isn’t available – or even if one is, before or after – the sex addict constantly seeks self-gratification through masturbation.
• Multiple affairs – Married individuals who are sexual addicts feel compelled to have numerous extra-marital affairs, often having sex with more than one partner concurrently.
• Cruising for sex – Public areas such as rest areas, bathrooms, parks – even school grounds – serve as a source for potential sexual partners.
• Compulsive need for pornographic material – In order to be stimulated, the sexual addict feels a compulsive need for sexually explicit material. This takes the form of pornographic magazines, books and videos.
• Unsafe sex – The sex addict, by virtue of his or her cruising and anonymous sex, often engages in unsafe sex – increasing the risk of contracting AIDS or hepatitis B and C infections.
• Engaging in prostitution – Male and female sex addicts may engage in prostitution – for the excitement, not for the money.
• Drugs for sex – Paying or bartering for sex with drugs is one way of getting what the sexual addict craves most – constant sex partners. The sex addict knows that people who will do anything for a fix won’t be too picky.
• Exhibitionism – Exposing one’s body in public so that others are sure to watch – on the street, in a car, movie theater, outdoor concert, by a school – the sexual addict gets off on the reactions of others.
• Manipulation – The sexual addict will often manipulate others with drugs and/or alcohol or other enticement (money, promotion, blackmail and more) in order to compel them to have sex.
• Obsessively dating through personal ads – What better avenue to find sexual partners than people starving for attention, putting it all out there in a personal ad? The sexual addict often obsessively combs through the personal ads in search of sex partners.
• Cybersex and/or phone sex – The individual who spends hours on pornographic Internet sites or in sex chats online and/or telephone sex manifests clear signs of sexual addiction.
• Voyeurism – Watching others, to the point of obsession, and/or stalking, is another sign that someone has a sexual addiction.
• Financial difficulties – Sooner or later, the cost of all the sexually explicit material, subscriptions to Internet porn sites, paying for prostitutes, etc., causes the sexual addict to get into a financial jam.
• Denial – Sex addicts, like any other addict, denies that he or she has a problem. Those little urges are “completely under control,” they’ll tell you. “I don’t have a problem with sex.” The more compulsive the individual becomes about sex, the more he or she will seek to justify or rationalize the behavior. Denial is common with all addictions.
• Lies – Finding it increasingly hard to cover his or her tracks, the sex addict has no choice but to weave a constant web of lies about the sexual behavior. Where the money has gone, who they’ve been with, why they didn’t come home, why it’s necessary to hire a lawyer, and on and on. Like denial, lying is common to all addictions.
• Difficulty with personal relationships – Finding it difficult to relate to those closest to him or her, the sexual addict gradually drifts away from these relationships, preferring the thrill of the anonymous sex or affairs that don’t require commitment or even much conversation.
• Obsession with sex ruins life – As the sexual addiction progresses, the sex addict’s life falls in total disarray. Problems escalate at home, in relationships with family and friends, the job suffers, financial pressures increase. There may be arrests for lewd conduct or indecent exposure, prostitution or other illegal activity. Shame associated with the sexual addiction made public may even push the sex addict to the point of despair.
No Satisfaction
Looking at the signs of sexual addiction, it’s important to also note that the individual who suffers from the addiction to sex often derives little or no satisfaction from the behavior. It isn’t pleasurable so much as it is a compulsion. That’s what makes it an addiction.
The sex addict feels no emotional bond with the partners. On the contrary, following the multiple occasions of sexual behavior, increasing risk-taking, feeling total loss of control over the behavior, the sexual addict often feels guilt and shame. Despite so many negative consequences – breakup of a marriage or loss of a partner, loss of a job, financial, social, legal, health and emotional problems – the sexual addict continues to engage in the addictive behavior.
Outlook For The Sexual Addict
Without treatment, the sexual addiction will only progress – in frequency, type of behavior, increasing risk. Like other addictions, addiction to sex cannot be cured, but it can be overcome. Unlike addiction to chemical substances or alcohol, however, where total abstinence is the goal, with sexual addiction the goal is to learn more acceptable behavior.
The first step is that the sex addict must admit he or she has a problem, and then seek treatment for it. This treatment may be in the form of residential treatment center or facility that specializes in treating sexual addiction, or, in the case of co-occurring addictions, can treat both simultaneously. It may also be provided at an outpatient center. Psychotherapy, counseling, individual and group therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and family therapy are other ways to get help.
In addition, the sexual addict will be encouraged to join a 12-step organization. There are five fellowships, all part of an Interfellowship Forum that seeks to help individuals recover from sexual addiction.
• Sexaholics Anonymous, 1-800-477-8191.
• Sex Addicts Anonymous, 1-866-424-8777.
• Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous, 1-781-255-8825.
• Sexual Recovery Anonymous, 1-212-340-4650.
• Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, 1-800-977-HEAL.
Another valuable resource, one that is unbiased and unaffiliated with any specific 12-step group or treatment facility is the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health.
There are also numerous books available on the subject of sexual addiction that can provide tremendous insight and help. Check out the many titles available on the website of Patrick Carnes, Ph.D, one of the first professionals in the U.S. to work with individuals to determine if they had a sexual addiction and help them overcome it. The site, SexHelp.com, can help individuals find a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT), and has many other useful tips, articles, resources and links. It’s a great place to start if you or anyone you know wants to gain a better understanding of sexual addiction. Also check out RecoveryZone.com and GentlePath.com.
Just remember that sexual addiction doesn’t occur overnight. It was likely years in the making, and it will take considerable time to overcome. As you will discover, therapy usually takes between 3 and 5 years, depending on the individual. But it can result in the sex addict’s being able to return to a fully productive and healthy lifestyle – without the compulsion for sex that ruined life before.
Do you see the signs of sexual addiction in yourself or another? Maybe now is the time for change. The sooner you or they confront the issue head-on the sooner recovery will be on the way.
